I have my son for the summer, I can't put into words how incredibly elated I am! I haven't posted for a while but... what can I say, life happens. My sons father has been pulling the same shit, manipulating my son and using him to try to hurt me... is anyone else going through this? What do you do when even the law can't protect your child? Why do we trust in them to decide what is best for OUR children anyway? They don't know our children, it's not their children, it's not their family, or friend.
My sons father stated that my son was displaying anxiety over coming to spend the summer with myself and his sisters, yet when I picked him up, the first thing he said to me when we got in the car was, " Mommy, I get to spend the whole summer with you!" I'd say his fathers interpretation of anxiety is a little...off. Perhaps he did have some anxiety, it would only be normal because it's change and change is uncomfortable sometimes, weather it be good or bad. Anyway, I'm focused on the good of having him with me and saving MY anxiety... for the written word!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Still No News
I haven't heard anything. I miss my baby boy so much. I can't wait to see him and wrap my arms around him. Hopefully the energy of my embrace will convey my feelings to him in a way he can interpret an offer him some comfort... even if it is only for a moment.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
No News is Better Than Bad News?
No sure about that! I've sent my sons father two emails and had no response on either one. What does that mean? It's kind of scary. I'm not really sure what to think about that, you can't trust anything this guy says or doesn't say!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Fighting for Visitation by E-Mail
Okay so, for those of you who love to read:) you're in for a treat! I found out I can post these emails though, I am leaving out personal information and changed the names.
Here is the email I sent my sons father:
(Jim),
I really appreciate your letting (My son) call me yesterday evening (April 4, 2010), especially since you prohibited our regular visitation over the Easter holiday.
First, I want you to know that I am very concerned about what happened when I was talking to (my son) on the phone -- rather than let him simply talk to me, throughout our conversation, I could hear you asking him to tell me something or to ask me questions!
It would be fine if you were asking him to tell me something exciting about his week or day, but that isn't what you were doing. I could tell it was making (my son) very uncomfortable to have to repeat your directives into the phone.
But what has me worried most of all is what happened when you were insisting to (my son) that he tell me what he told you and his therapist (therapists name) about the last weekend we spent together -- even though (My son) repeatedly said he didn't remember what he told the two of you.
Obviously, (my son) loves both of us. We are his mommy and daddy and he wants to please us. He also knows we do not get along and, because he is smart but only five years old, he may very well be saying what he thinks you want to hear when he is with you and what I want to hear when he is with me.
If that is what he is feeling and doing, he must be so torn up inside!
(My son) is an incredibly amazing child. He is strong, independent, smart and charismatic. But, he is also very sensitive, especially when it comes to the people he loves. I am so afraid that the antagonism between you and me is hurting him deeply -- more than anything else in his life.
This beautiful little boy has already gone through way too much in five years. He should be free to be a kid without all of the worry and responsibility we are putting on him.
Therefore, from now on, you and I should communicate directly and never again through or in front of (My son). I hope you will agree.
Second, you insist that I am refusing to give you information about my whereabouts. As I said, I am staying with my Grandmother, ( Grandmothers name and address). My Grandmother has lived at that address since the late 1970's and you visited her there with me and know where it is located. If you Google the address you will find a map that pinpoints the exact location. You also say you are unable to verify her address and ask a series of hypothetical "what if" questions about whether she moved or the local government changed her address, etc. Let me say now, if that ever happens, I will tell you.
For (My sons) sake, you have got to learn to trust that I will always keep him safe -- just as I need to trust you to do the same.
I would also remind you that I have never tried to take (My son) away from you, nor have I ever refused your right to see him. The fact that you fear I will do these things to you is merely your projecting onto me what you have done.
I will never do such a thing to (My son) because I know he loves and needs both of us in his life. If he loses either one of us -- or his sisters -- it would only hurt (My son) and I am not ever going to do anything -- on purpose -- that would cause him pain.
And lastly, regarding what happened with (Ken), you stated last night during our phone conversation that you had to tell (My son) what happened with me and (Ken). Considering you do not know all of the facts, I cannot imagine what you told him. Again, he is a child and should not be made to deal with grown-up relationship issues. I had planned to tell him over Easter that mommy and (Ken) are not going to live together anymore because I wanted to move back to (location) to be close to (My son) and (Ken) did not. Next time I see (My son), I will reassure him that even though (Ken) and I loved each other, it just didn't work out and sometimes these things happen.
What is important is that (My son) understand I intend to move back to (location) County as soon as possible and will stay there.
I am only human, and, like everyone, I make mistakes. I can't undo mistakes I've already made, I can only try to learn from them and move forward. All of my experiences help me grow stronger and make me more determined than ever to be a good mother to my children.
I wish you and I could just start parenting (My son) in a way that would let him be happy about the time he is spending with both of us. The way he is put in the middle of our insecurities, it is no wonder he is craving more affection.
We have the power to let him know it is OK to love and spend time with both of us. We don't have to compete with one another for his affection. When we do, he gets torn apart.
When I told you I spoke to (My sons) teacher, you said you are very close to her. Well, good! This is NOT a competition to see which one of us can get (My sons) teacher and his therapist on our side. We and they should be on (My sons) side and not taking one of our sides against each other! I refuse to compete with you -- I only want to do what is best for our son.
For the sake of our son, can we please just stop acting like junior high school kids? Will you agree to start respecting (My sons) relationship with me instead of being afraid of it? And I promise I will do the same for your and (My sons) relationship.
One more thing... as I said to you on the phone, I have been trying to contact (My sons therapist) to talk to him about (My son) but he has not returned my call. Perhaps he needs to hear from you that it is OK to talk to me. Will you please give him a call and ask that he return mine?
Thank You, (Fight for Your Kid)
This is his reply to my email:
(Fight for Your Kid),
The issue at hand is that this is the first time you have done what I requested over two weeks ago on 3/26/10 and given me in writing the physical address at which (My son) will be staying when he is with you. I did not "prohibit" you from seeing (My son) over your last weekend which happened to coincide with Easter, rather, you prohibited yourself from seeing him by refusing to give me the information I was given legal advice to obtain prior to exercising your custodial time. I did state, prior to now, that you refused to give me information about your whereabouts because up until now, you did refuse. I had to ask you four times, and as I have said in previous e-mails, you first completely ignored my request, then you proceeded to give vague responses, never an address. (My son) is the one who had to tell me that when he was talking to you on the phone last night, he asked you for your address and you gave him an address of (Grandmothers address). First of all, I do not understand why despite my repeated attempts over the last several weeks to obtain this information from you in writing, which would have enabled you to see (My son) as scheduled the weekend of 4/2-4/4/10, you would not give it to me. However, when (My son) asked you since he knew that was the reason he could not see you, you told him verbally without issue, after it was already too late to see him this past weekend. Again, it is within my rights as (My sons) father, as well as in sharing legal custody with you, to know the physical address at which he is staying when in your custody, particularly when you suddenly move across the state without any type of notice. I also need a physical address for the purposes of filling out forms related to school, extracurricular activities and for (My sons) medical needs (i.e., per the current child support order, I am to send you receipts for out-of-pocket medical expenses in excess of $250, a point which has now been reached for the current year).
With all do respect, the "what if" question as to whether your grandmother moved within the past five plus years is a valid one. We have not been together since (My son) was 6 months old, so I was not going to make an assumption that she lived in the same place that I visited, nor do I keep a record of addresses of ex-girlfriend's relatives whom I visit.
That being said, when trying to verify the address via the White Pages that you have now finally given me, that address is listed as that of your stepfather, (Name), and your mother, Name, with an additional household member, Name), listed as well. When I try to verify your grandmother's address, there is not a street address listed, however, the phone number is the same as that listed under your mother's and stepfather's address. Obviously, this is a great source of confusion and seems to contradict what you told me in your e-mail on Saturday, 4/3/10, i.e., that "no one other than, Grandmother, (My son) and his sisters will be staying here." With all of the sudden and frequent moves that you have made both before and after (My sons) birth, I am concerned with knowing where he will be when he is with you. You have always been aware of my address, as is your right, and it is my right to know yours, even if you are staying with another person(s). All I am asking is that you please be forthcoming with this information instead of causing me greater and greater concern that you are trying to hide something from me. I wish that I was able to "trust that will always keep <(My son)> safe," but given your past history of moving without informing me, and subjecting him to an environment that is inappropriate and unnecessary when he has a stable home, it makes trusting you extremely difficult. You have stated that you are staying with your grandmother at the given address. Will you please clarify why this is listed as your mother's and stepfather's address and why your grandmother has the same land line phone number as this address if your mother/stepfather and she live in separate residences?
I will respond to some of the statements that you have made that are either completely inaccurate or misconstrued on your part. First, if you would like to consider my telling (My son) not to press buttons on the phone so as to not put you on mute and not hang up on you (both of which he did during the course of your call), and telling him not to tell his sister to "shut up," despite him saying that he is allowed to say that at your house, my giving him "directives", that is your choice. (My son) is always given whatever level of privacy he desires to talk to you on the phone. I want to continue to foster your relationship with (My son) via your scheduled custodial time, as well as via the phone calls that he has with you, and (My son) is well aware that any time he wants to talk to you, he is able to call you by asking either me or (Samantha). As I told you last night, he never asks to call you, however, as I have also told you in the past, any time you want to talk to (My son), you may text or call my cell phone as well. If we are in the middle of baseball practice, at a movie, it is his bedtime or he is otherwise engaged, he may not be able to call you back right away, but I have always had him call you as quickly as possible. I felt it important to try and discuss with (My son) together, as both his parents, what he talked to his therapist about, particularly because you had stressed in your last e-mail that you wanted to know precisely what his concerns were. After clearly displaying that he did not want to discuss it with us together, I dropped the topic and left the room, as he clearly was not comfortable expressing what he had told me, (Samantha) and (Therapist) while on the phone with you.
Regarding your concern over (My sons) therapist, you asked on the phone last night why he has not returned "any of your calls," however, at (My sons) therapy session tonight, (Therapist) told me that he only had one call from you and that you were on his long list of people to call back. First of all, I would never discourage anyone involved in (My sons) care from talking to you, and I do not appreciate your insinuation that I would do so. Second of all, (Therapist) is a licensed professional, and insinuating that he would not return a phone call from a client's parent is highly inappropriate.
Regarding your comment about (My sons) teacher, you and I were discussing the fact that you told Miss (Teacher) that (My son) feels responsible for us not being together. What I told you is that (Samantha) and I keep in very close contact with her, as we are very involved in (My sons) progress/behavior at school, and she relayed this information to us so that we could try to help (My son) if this were the case. As I told you last night, neither I, (Samantha), nor Miss (Teacher) have heard (My son) mention anything about you and I not being together since he has not known anything but us being apart as he was 6 months old when we broke up. To accuse anyone of making anything a competition is also highly inappropriate, as in addition to (Therapist), (My sons) teacher is also a licensed professional. (Samantha) and I have actually been very disappointed in what appears to be a lack of interest on your part in (My sons) education this school year since you have not contacted his teacher or his school up until now, over 7 months into the school year, and you did not even respond to the e-mail I sent to you with his last report card attached, including an explanation of his progress and areas where he has been having issues. When we ask (My son) if he reads to you or if you go over his sight words with him, he expresses that you do not do anything related to school with him at all. If you are concerned about some type of competition, I assure you that there is none on our part. We would welcome any level of involvement on your part in (My sons) education, as it could only help him.
That being said, if you are indeed planning to move to (Location), I think it would help (My son) immensely to see that you are taking an active interest in his life, both with school and with his extracurricular activities. However, I sincerely hope that this is not an empty promise that you have made to him since you already told him last night you were moving here this summer, as pulling another rug out from under him would be very upsetting to him.
Should another instance arise in which you have to, per whatever personal circumstances you may have, stay in any place that may be detrimental to (My sons) well-being (whether it be mental, physical or otherwise) again, please consult me prior to taking him there and as I said, we can work something out. It was very difficult to have to sit him down (per his therapist's advice) and explain to him that you moved again, particularly because you removed (Ken), someone with whom (My son) had a close relationship when he was with you, from his life without giving him any prior knowledge or giving him a chance to say goodbye. Regarding your comment about (Ken), I simply told (My son) that you had moved out of (Ken)'s house and when he asked if he would see (Ken) again, I told him that I didn't know and he would have to ask you. Your relationships, other than how they may affect (My son), are none of my business, and I would never go into any greater detail than necessary. (Therapist) and I agreed that I should sit down with (My son) and be honest with him about your move so that your new home wouldn't be a shock to him.
As for your refusal to communicate via the telephone per your verbal statement last night, as well as per your statement below that you hope I agree with the fact that we "should communicate directly and never again through or in front of (My son)," I partially agree with that statement. I do agree that we should not argue, or discuss custodial or other matters in which (My son) does not need to be involved in front of him. However, having us not speak to each other at all in front of (My son) is not healthy in my opinion, as I believe he should see a civil interaction between both his parents, despite the fact that evidently, you have a great dislike for me such that you cannot bring yourself to have a verbal conversation with me. Your not wanting to communicate in front of (My son) at all contradicts your statements below such as, "I am so afraid that the antagonism between you and me is hurting him deeply -- more than anything else in his life" and "We have the power to let him know it is OK to love and spend time with both of us. We don't have to compete with one another for his affection. When we do, he gets torn apart." If he witnesses us not speaking to one another in his presence, this will only serve to create more of the issues of which you claim you are afraid. As you stated, (My son) is a very emotionally attuned child and he picks up on these types of tensions.
Lastly, I do not appreciate yet another e-mailed accusation from you within the past 4 months or so, this time insinuating that I am in any way insecure about your relationship with (My son). (Samantha) and I do nothing but try to build up his upcoming visits with you, (Samantha) goes out of her way to sit down with (My son) and have him pick out projects/papers that he has worked on in school to give to you at exchanges, and despite the fact that (My son) tells us that you say bad things about both me and (Samantha) and that you dislike us, we never slander you in front of him. All I do is tell (My son) the truth, using strictly facts that he can process, and only in as much detail as he needs to understand what is going on. If he asks me a question about why you do the things you do, I tell him that I don't know or that he needs to discuss that with you or Mr. (Therapist). We also tell him and reassure him constantly that we are happy if he is excited to go and see you and his sisters and that it is important for him to have a close relationship with all of you. We do this because, and I do agree with you here, (My son) seems to have the idea in his head for some reason, that he needs to tell me what he thinks I want to hear and tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
Thank you very much for finally providing your address, particularly for (My sons) sake. I wish you had not chosen to wait until now to do so, as the last thing I wanted was for you to miss your scheduled weekend with him last week, but you left me without a choice since you refused over and over to provide me with the information to which I am entitled as assurance of his safety and well-being. I was under legal advice given the circumstances and my fear for (My sons) well-being/whereabouts to keep him with me where I knew he would be safe until you informed me of exactly where he would be.
As you know, your next scheduled visitation is 4/23/10-4/25/10, per your e-mail dated 1/11/10 agreeing to switch your 4/16/10-4/18/10 weekend with that one for (My sons) opening day of T-ball. Please note that you are scheduled to have (My son) three weekends in a row; the aforementioned weekend of 4/23-4/25/10, your already scheduled weekend (prior to the conflict with baseball) of 4/30/10-5/2/10, and Mother's Day weekend, 5/7/10-5/9/10. I agree to meet at the Wendy's off exit (Location) at 6:00 pm for your scheduled Friday pick-ups and Sunday drop-offs.
Please clarify what I asked above regarding your grandmother's address being listed as your mother's/stepfather's address. You also never responded to the e-mail regarding (My sons) medical care on 3/23/10. Please review this e-mail and let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you,
(Jim)
Any comments?
Here is the email I sent my sons father:
(Jim),
I really appreciate your letting (My son) call me yesterday evening (April 4, 2010), especially since you prohibited our regular visitation over the Easter holiday.
First, I want you to know that I am very concerned about what happened when I was talking to (my son) on the phone -- rather than let him simply talk to me, throughout our conversation, I could hear you asking him to tell me something or to ask me questions!
It would be fine if you were asking him to tell me something exciting about his week or day, but that isn't what you were doing. I could tell it was making (my son) very uncomfortable to have to repeat your directives into the phone.
But what has me worried most of all is what happened when you were insisting to (my son) that he tell me what he told you and his therapist (therapists name) about the last weekend we spent together -- even though (My son) repeatedly said he didn't remember what he told the two of you.
Obviously, (my son) loves both of us. We are his mommy and daddy and he wants to please us. He also knows we do not get along and, because he is smart but only five years old, he may very well be saying what he thinks you want to hear when he is with you and what I want to hear when he is with me.
If that is what he is feeling and doing, he must be so torn up inside!
(My son) is an incredibly amazing child. He is strong, independent, smart and charismatic. But, he is also very sensitive, especially when it comes to the people he loves. I am so afraid that the antagonism between you and me is hurting him deeply -- more than anything else in his life.
This beautiful little boy has already gone through way too much in five years. He should be free to be a kid without all of the worry and responsibility we are putting on him.
Therefore, from now on, you and I should communicate directly and never again through or in front of (My son). I hope you will agree.
Second, you insist that I am refusing to give you information about my whereabouts. As I said, I am staying with my Grandmother, ( Grandmothers name and address). My Grandmother has lived at that address since the late 1970's and you visited her there with me and know where it is located. If you Google the address you will find a map that pinpoints the exact location. You also say you are unable to verify her address and ask a series of hypothetical "what if" questions about whether she moved or the local government changed her address, etc. Let me say now, if that ever happens, I will tell you.
For (My sons) sake, you have got to learn to trust that I will always keep him safe -- just as I need to trust you to do the same.
I would also remind you that I have never tried to take (My son) away from you, nor have I ever refused your right to see him. The fact that you fear I will do these things to you is merely your projecting onto me what you have done.
I will never do such a thing to (My son) because I know he loves and needs both of us in his life. If he loses either one of us -- or his sisters -- it would only hurt (My son) and I am not ever going to do anything -- on purpose -- that would cause him pain.
And lastly, regarding what happened with (Ken), you stated last night during our phone conversation that you had to tell (My son) what happened with me and (Ken). Considering you do not know all of the facts, I cannot imagine what you told him. Again, he is a child and should not be made to deal with grown-up relationship issues. I had planned to tell him over Easter that mommy and (Ken) are not going to live together anymore because I wanted to move back to (location) to be close to (My son) and (Ken) did not. Next time I see (My son), I will reassure him that even though (Ken) and I loved each other, it just didn't work out and sometimes these things happen.
What is important is that (My son) understand I intend to move back to (location) County as soon as possible and will stay there.
I am only human, and, like everyone, I make mistakes. I can't undo mistakes I've already made, I can only try to learn from them and move forward. All of my experiences help me grow stronger and make me more determined than ever to be a good mother to my children.
I wish you and I could just start parenting (My son) in a way that would let him be happy about the time he is spending with both of us. The way he is put in the middle of our insecurities, it is no wonder he is craving more affection.
We have the power to let him know it is OK to love and spend time with both of us. We don't have to compete with one another for his affection. When we do, he gets torn apart.
When I told you I spoke to (My sons) teacher, you said you are very close to her. Well, good! This is NOT a competition to see which one of us can get (My sons) teacher and his therapist on our side. We and they should be on (My sons) side and not taking one of our sides against each other! I refuse to compete with you -- I only want to do what is best for our son.
For the sake of our son, can we please just stop acting like junior high school kids? Will you agree to start respecting (My sons) relationship with me instead of being afraid of it? And I promise I will do the same for your and (My sons) relationship.
One more thing... as I said to you on the phone, I have been trying to contact (My sons therapist) to talk to him about (My son) but he has not returned my call. Perhaps he needs to hear from you that it is OK to talk to me. Will you please give him a call and ask that he return mine?
Thank You, (Fight for Your Kid)
This is his reply to my email:
(Fight for Your Kid),
The issue at hand is that this is the first time you have done what I requested over two weeks ago on 3/26/10 and given me in writing the physical address at which (My son) will be staying when he is with you. I did not "prohibit" you from seeing (My son) over your last weekend which happened to coincide with Easter, rather, you prohibited yourself from seeing him by refusing to give me the information I was given legal advice to obtain prior to exercising your custodial time. I did state, prior to now, that you refused to give me information about your whereabouts because up until now, you did refuse. I had to ask you four times, and as I have said in previous e-mails, you first completely ignored my request, then you proceeded to give vague responses, never an address. (My son) is the one who had to tell me that when he was talking to you on the phone last night, he asked you for your address and you gave him an address of (Grandmothers address). First of all, I do not understand why despite my repeated attempts over the last several weeks to obtain this information from you in writing, which would have enabled you to see (My son) as scheduled the weekend of 4/2-4/4/10, you would not give it to me. However, when (My son) asked you since he knew that was the reason he could not see you, you told him verbally without issue, after it was already too late to see him this past weekend. Again, it is within my rights as (My sons) father, as well as in sharing legal custody with you, to know the physical address at which he is staying when in your custody, particularly when you suddenly move across the state without any type of notice. I also need a physical address for the purposes of filling out forms related to school, extracurricular activities and for (My sons) medical needs (i.e., per the current child support order, I am to send you receipts for out-of-pocket medical expenses in excess of $250, a point which has now been reached for the current year).
With all do respect, the "what if" question as to whether your grandmother moved within the past five plus years is a valid one. We have not been together since (My son) was 6 months old, so I was not going to make an assumption that she lived in the same place that I visited, nor do I keep a record of addresses of ex-girlfriend's relatives whom I visit.
That being said, when trying to verify the address via the White Pages that you have now finally given me, that address is listed as that of your stepfather, (Name), and your mother, Name, with an additional household member, Name), listed as well. When I try to verify your grandmother's address, there is not a street address listed, however, the phone number is the same as that listed under your mother's and stepfather's address. Obviously, this is a great source of confusion and seems to contradict what you told me in your e-mail on Saturday, 4/3/10, i.e., that "no one other than
I will respond to some of the statements that you have made that are either completely inaccurate or misconstrued on your part. First, if you would like to consider my telling (My son) not to press buttons on the phone so as to not put you on mute and not hang up on you (both of which he did during the course of your call), and telling him not to tell his sister to "shut up," despite him saying that he is allowed to say that at your house, my giving him "directives", that is your choice. (My son) is always given whatever level of privacy he desires to talk to you on the phone. I want to continue to foster your relationship with (My son) via your scheduled custodial time, as well as via the phone calls that he has with you, and (My son) is well aware that any time he wants to talk to you, he is able to call you by asking either me or (Samantha). As I told you last night, he never asks to call you, however, as I have also told you in the past, any time you want to talk to (My son), you may text or call my cell phone as well. If we are in the middle of baseball practice, at a movie, it is his bedtime or he is otherwise engaged, he may not be able to call you back right away, but I have always had him call you as quickly as possible. I felt it important to try and discuss with (My son) together, as both his parents, what he talked to his therapist about, particularly because you had stressed in your last e-mail that you wanted to know precisely what his concerns were. After clearly displaying that he did not want to discuss it with us together, I dropped the topic and left the room, as he clearly was not comfortable expressing what he had told me, (Samantha) and (Therapist) while on the phone with you.
Regarding your concern over (My sons) therapist, you asked on the phone last night why he has not returned "any of your calls," however, at (My sons) therapy session tonight, (Therapist) told me that he only had one call from you and that you were on his long list of people to call back. First of all, I would never discourage anyone involved in (My sons) care from talking to you, and I do not appreciate your insinuation that I would do so. Second of all, (Therapist) is a licensed professional, and insinuating that he would not return a phone call from a client's parent is highly inappropriate.
Regarding your comment about (My sons) teacher, you and I were discussing the fact that you told Miss (Teacher) that (My son) feels responsible for us not being together. What I told you is that (Samantha) and I keep in very close contact with her, as we are very involved in (My sons) progress/behavior at school, and she relayed this information to us so that we could try to help (My son) if this were the case. As I told you last night, neither I, (Samantha), nor Miss (Teacher) have heard (My son) mention anything about you and I not being together since he has not known anything but us being apart as he was 6 months old when we broke up. To accuse anyone of making anything a competition is also highly inappropriate, as in addition to (Therapist), (My sons) teacher is also a licensed professional. (Samantha) and I have actually been very disappointed in what appears to be a lack of interest on your part in (My sons) education this school year since you have not contacted his teacher or his school up until now, over 7 months into the school year, and you did not even respond to the e-mail I sent to you with his last report card attached, including an explanation of his progress and areas where he has been having issues. When we ask (My son) if he reads to you or if you go over his sight words with him, he expresses that you do not do anything related to school with him at all. If you are concerned about some type of competition, I assure you that there is none on our part. We would welcome any level of involvement on your part in (My sons) education, as it could only help him.
That being said, if you are indeed planning to move to (Location), I think it would help (My son) immensely to see that you are taking an active interest in his life, both with school and with his extracurricular activities. However, I sincerely hope that this is not an empty promise that you have made to him since you already told him last night you were moving here this summer, as pulling another rug out from under him would be very upsetting to him.
Should another instance arise in which you have to, per whatever personal circumstances you may have, stay in any place that may be detrimental to (My sons) well-being (whether it be mental, physical or otherwise) again, please consult me prior to taking him there and as I said, we can work something out. It was very difficult to have to sit him down (per his therapist's advice) and explain to him that you moved again, particularly because you removed (Ken), someone with whom (My son) had a close relationship when he was with you, from his life without giving him any prior knowledge or giving him a chance to say goodbye. Regarding your comment about (Ken), I simply told (My son) that you had moved out of (Ken)'s house and when he asked if he would see (Ken) again, I told him that I didn't know and he would have to ask you. Your relationships, other than how they may affect (My son), are none of my business, and I would never go into any greater detail than necessary. (Therapist) and I agreed that I should sit down with (My son) and be honest with him about your move so that your new home wouldn't be a shock to him.
As for your refusal to communicate via the telephone per your verbal statement last night, as well as per your statement below that you hope I agree with the fact that we "should communicate directly and never again through or in front of (My son)," I partially agree with that statement. I do agree that we should not argue, or discuss custodial or other matters in which (My son) does not need to be involved in front of him. However, having us not speak to each other at all in front of (My son) is not healthy in my opinion, as I believe he should see a civil interaction between both his parents, despite the fact that evidently, you have a great dislike for me such that you cannot bring yourself to have a verbal conversation with me. Your not wanting to communicate in front of (My son) at all contradicts your statements below such as, "I am so afraid that the antagonism between you and me is hurting him deeply -- more than anything else in his life" and "We have the power to let him know it is OK to love and spend time with both of us. We don't have to compete with one another for his affection. When we do, he gets torn apart." If he witnesses us not speaking to one another in his presence, this will only serve to create more of the issues of which you claim you are afraid. As you stated, (My son) is a very emotionally attuned child and he picks up on these types of tensions.
Lastly, I do not appreciate yet another e-mailed accusation from you within the past 4 months or so, this time insinuating that I am in any way insecure about your relationship with (My son). (Samantha) and I do nothing but try to build up his upcoming visits with you, (Samantha) goes out of her way to sit down with (My son) and have him pick out projects/papers that he has worked on in school to give to you at exchanges, and despite the fact that (My son) tells us that you say bad things about both me and (Samantha) and that you dislike us, we never slander you in front of him. All I do is tell (My son) the truth, using strictly facts that he can process, and only in as much detail as he needs to understand what is going on. If he asks me a question about why you do the things you do, I tell him that I don't know or that he needs to discuss that with you or Mr. (Therapist). We also tell him and reassure him constantly that we are happy if he is excited to go and see you and his sisters and that it is important for him to have a close relationship with all of you. We do this because, and I do agree with you here, (My son) seems to have the idea in his head for some reason, that he needs to tell me what he thinks I want to hear and tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
Thank you very much for finally providing your address, particularly for (My sons) sake. I wish you had not chosen to wait until now to do so, as the last thing I wanted was for you to miss your scheduled weekend with him last week, but you left me without a choice since you refused over and over to provide me with the information to which I am entitled as assurance of his safety and well-being. I was under legal advice given the circumstances and my fear for (My sons) well-being/whereabouts to keep him with me where I knew he would be safe until you informed me of exactly where he would be.
As you know, your next scheduled visitation is 4/23/10-4/25/10, per your e-mail dated 1/11/10 agreeing to switch your 4/16/10-4/18/10 weekend with that one for (My sons) opening day of T-ball. Please note that you are scheduled to have (My son) three weekends in a row; the aforementioned weekend of 4/23-4/25/10, your already scheduled weekend (prior to the conflict with baseball) of 4/30/10-5/2/10, and Mother's Day weekend, 5/7/10-5/9/10. I agree to meet at the Wendy's off exit (Location) at 6:00 pm for your scheduled Friday pick-ups and Sunday drop-offs.
Please clarify what I asked above regarding your grandmother's address being listed as your mother's/stepfather's address. You also never responded to the e-mail regarding (My sons) medical care on 3/23/10. Please review this e-mail and let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you,
(Jim)
Any comments?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Helpless and Hurting
So I wrote my sons father an email that was nothing but the TRUTH, calling him out on all his manipulations and control tactics. Needless to say he didn't like it! He came back with more manipulations... as if I would expect anything different. Of course the phone conversation we had the other night he remembers much differently that how it actually happened, which I knew would happen. Oh how I would love to post my email to him and his reply just to show how sick and abusive this guy really is, but I'm not sure it's legal for me to do so. Maybe if I replaced the names with fake ones? I'll see what I can find out. I would recap both emails but considering all the information contained in both our emails, it would take quite some time. I feel so awful for my son, I can't imagine what he's dealing with inside. At only five years old you hope that he doesn't realize and that he's not affected by it, but he's an incredibly bright little boy, and even if he doesn't understand the situation, he feeds off the energy that is being exuded by the people he loves.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The struggle continues
I was finally able to talk to my son last night, however the whole time we were on the phone his father was in the background badgering my son to get information from me. Instead of letting me talk to my son about how his week went, his father used him as a "go between" to get information he wanted from me. He then decided that my son and I were done talking and told him to go into another room so that he could talk to me. He tried to put me on the spot several times until I finally said, "I'm sorry but I can't talk to you like this anymore. If you have something to say to me you need to ask me or say it via email and I will respond to you that way." He didn't like that but I am not risking him twisting and turning my words around to suit him and hurt my child. I feel so helpless! I just want to rescue my son! Save him. He should not be put in the middle of this situation.
On another note, apparently he has to withhold custody from me two times before I can get an attorney to take my case. Someone must have told him that because he says he's going to let me see him my next scheduled visitation. So I'm wondering if he has to withhold him two consecutive visitations or just two visitations period. If it's two consecutive visitations than he could do this every other time if he wanted to and there's nothing I can do about it? That can't be right! Any thoughts?
On another note, apparently he has to withhold custody from me two times before I can get an attorney to take my case. Someone must have told him that because he says he's going to let me see him my next scheduled visitation. So I'm wondering if he has to withhold him two consecutive visitations or just two visitations period. If it's two consecutive visitations than he could do this every other time if he wanted to and there's nothing I can do about it? That can't be right! Any thoughts?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Why is my son continually punished?
I tried to call my son today, and apparently not only is his father withholding my visitations but any phone contact as well. I can't understand why he is doing this to our son! What is he hoping to accomplish?
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